Sometimes I hate ADHD. It can be a constant uphill climb, predicting, planning, making sure I’m always five paces ahead of the game, waiting, anticipating, knowing that not being ahead I’ll be forever chasing my tail. Sometimes I’m exhausted, I’m over it, carrying the physical weight of the outbursts, the suffocation of regulating not just my emotions but his too and I’m frustrated, so frustrated, that for just this once why can’t it be easy? 

Sometimes I feel the eyes and hear the whispers, the criticism, the judgement from lack of understanding and misconceptions of a disorder, a difficulty; “he doesn’t look hyperactive!” He isn’t, thank you, but he hyper focuses, he withdraws, words jump around a page until he berates himself for being the dumb kid in class – ADHD presents in different ways and hiding under the tip of the iceberg are a multitude of mental health triggers like anxiety and depression, it is complex and not what you’d imagine it to be. 

“Nearly every kid has ADHD these days” like it’s a cop out for shitty parenting, as if a bit of tough love, discipline and boundaries will set it straight, that somehow, magically his mind will go quiet, the urge to perpetually move, to seek will subside and he will just fall into line with the mounting pressure we place on our children’s shoulders. That is not him and that is not who I want him to be. I love his inquisitive nature, when something sparks that interest of his he is gone, committed and engulfed by a want to learn and do more. I love his passion and his fury, his head strong drive and vulnerable heart. It is the ADHD that amplifies these sparks in him and yes it can have trepidation but it has a fragility that needs love, nurturing and understanding. 

And here in lies the contradiction and the cruelest judgment and self bashing of all “how can you medicate your child?” as though I’m a monster, I’m lazy and I’ve in someway failed him. “Doesn’t the medication change him?” You bet your sweet ass it does! It enhances what already makes him shine and he is brilliant! He is not diminished, he has taken control, he is everything and more so because he is kicking goals in areas where he was completely lost in himself. I now understand the nature of the beast, the massive part dopamine plays on how our brain behaves and how lacking in that presents.

I grappled with it, I tossed and turned but I also educated and informed my decision and the shift was instant, definitive and refuted any doubt I had in my mind that I was making the right choice for him and our family. Suddenly school wasn’t such a scary place, suddenly doors that had been firmly closed opened and my incredible six year old child finally felt in control of his learning, his own journey. This may not be the same choice or the right fit for other families and that’s fine too, we are all navigating this role we call parenthood the best way we know how and with the best intentions for our children. There is no quick fix in this game, he, and we, will always have to put in that little bit of extra effort but for him the words have stopped jumping, he has leapt out of his shell and he is smashing it! He is happy and if you aren’t aiming for happiness for your child, no matter what choices you make to reach it, then maybe you aren’t doing right?

 

In an ideal world I would swoop him out of mainstream and let him learn, develop and grow in his own beautiful way and my goodness he would be a lego master, a world renowned artist and a pioneering engineer great! He can still be all those thing but for now he needs the basics, to read, to write and to love learning in all its forms so he can one day harness his magnificent super power ! 

That is the support we’ve chosen to give him and sometimes I would ache for a softness, a quiet mind, a place where I can pat myself on the back, bounce off the negativity and bear hug my awesome boy ! 

So maybe I don’t hate ADHD because at the end of the day I would never compromise that spark that makes him special, the process may be wearing and sometimes it feels like there are more hard days than not, but how lucky am I to be a part of something unfolding, something unique and ultimately something great! Watch this space because here he comes and there is nothing you can throw at my son that he won’t embrace and conquer!